]Are days getting harder?
We’ve been in lockdown for a couple of months, and things that didn’t bother me before are driving me crazy now.
I wrote previously about how I had to cancel my trip. That was the right thing to do, and worked out for the best because the country locked down right after. Now I’m looking at the calendar and tracking how many days it’s been since I didn’t take that trip.
Two months month ago, we would have been in Cuba. But we weren’t.
That was my first trip outside a 100 mile radius in over a dozen years… except it didn’t happen. A dozen years I’ve been stuck in this bubble… but until now it didn’t feel like I was ‘stuck’.
I booked the trip and looked forward to hitting the beach. I needed that trip. And it didn’t happen.
Before, I used to tell myself that it was ok, the trip is still happening it’s just happening later than expected.
Now, I’ve lost hope. I don’t believe it will happen. I don’t believe we’ll be allowed to travel.
Even when things get better, our new normal will have strict guidelines between what we can and can’t do, and I’m betting that travelling will be out.
Depressed While Grateful
I know that I’m really lucky to have the life I have, and travelling is just a bonus. I should be grateful that I can work from home, even though it’s two and a half hours away from the office.
I should be grateful that I have a home in Muskoka, and a cottage, also in Muskoka.
I should be grateful that we have the ability to teach our kids from home, while we’re in lockdown. Life changed, but it hasn’t stopped.
Yes. I am grateful.
But at the same time, I’m also very depressed.
It’s hard to wonder when I’ll see my mother again, or if I’ll see my grandparents again.
My workdays have gotten so much harder, but in a way this is a good thing. I’m so stressed about work, that I have little time to worry about the fate of family members, who have tested positive for the coronavirus.
Side note, my son has taken to calling it ‘corny-virus’ – because then it’s less scary.
I’m conflicted on how I feel about this. It’s good that he can joke, but at the same time, it’s really not something to joke about. It is scary.
I’m stressed and overworked, and sad. I miss people. I miss shopping. I miss freedom.
I need a vacation, but have nowhere to go.
How much longer can this possibly last?
Looking For the Positives
This reminds me of when my daughter had colic. Hear me out.
For the first two weeks of my daughter’s life, she was an angel. She didn’t make a peep. She slept and she smiled. It was glorious.
And on her two week birthday, my world changed. She began to cry. Endlessly.
I couldn’t put her down, I had to carry her and do all things. I also had a toddler who was not yet 2-years-old. My daughter would sleep for little naps during the day, and cry all night long.
I didn’t sleep. The days were spent with two children, and the nights with one crying baby. I learned to do everything with one hand. I never sat down. I never rested.
I screamed and I cried, and then I apologized because it wasn’t her fault.
She was also born with a heart condition, and I was told by doctors not to let her get worked up. So for all those parents that ignore their babies, this wasn’t an option for me.
I was not allowed to let her get hysterical. Hysteria could kill her.
I couldn’t simply put her down and let her cry it out, which I know works for some…
So we cried together. And we yawned together. And she’d fall asleep in my arms, and I wouldn’t put her down. I carried her around in that front-baby-pack thing. 24/7
She’d wake and cry.
That was my life.
And I thought the same thing I said before: How much longer can this possibly last?
For 6 consecutive weeks, I was walking around like a zombie. No energy, poor nutrition, poor hygiene, and probably poor hearing.
Not a lot different than now, minus the hearing part. I have selective hearing, but otherwise I’m ok.
It’s Normal To Be Depressed
When I look back on dealing with my colic baby, I always say “at least it was just 6 weeks. I know people who had it worse.”
I’m trying to stay positive here too.
We’re making the best of a horrible situation, but it won’t last forever. At some point, we’ll be able to go outside. We’ll be able to see our friends and family. We might even be able to travel.
I know this.
But when my daughter was a baby, I had an ETA. I knew that colic babies usually improve around 8 weeks old. So when she was 4 weeks, I didn’t pull out my hair… I just said ‘4 more weeks’.
I had been lucky that it was literally her 8 week birthday that she stopped crying. 6 weeks of zombie life on the nose.
Since I have no idea how long this will go on for, I have nothing to look forward to.
Hence the depression.
I usually try to end with a positive message, but I’m struggling.
I wanted to write this, to let people who feel this way know, they are not alone. Depression sucks.
We can get through this… no matter how alone I feel right now, I know that I’m not.