Do you ever watch those daytime or reality talk shows on a holiday or occasion? Here’s an example of what I mean.
On Halloween, Ellen DeGeneres is known for her crazy costumes.
Not only does she dress up, her guests dress up, and I believe people in her audience dress up.
But it’s not actually Halloween at the time of filming.
All of those people are pretending that it’s Halloween, because they all know that when the show airs, it will be.
On the day of October 31st, everyone tuning in at home will see this Halloween special.
What they don’t see is all the work that this show went into to making it feel like Halloween.
The whole set is decorated to make it look like it’s Halloween. They give out treats.
By the end of the show, there’s usually a little announcement about being safe trick-or-treating and ‘happy Halloween’.
I always wondered if there was someone who missed the memo that it was the Halloween special and to dress in costume – would one be provided?
For the guests, I know they do this.
Ellen’s staff reaches out to the guest in advance and says, “Hey, you’re on our Halloween special, what would you like your costume to be?” and then the guest gives a suggestion or two, and then the staff make, create, and deliver.
I’m paraphrasing obviously, but that is what I understood from watching some banter between Ellen and Jane Lynch one year.
Do they do this for the audience too? Or do they just not put the camera on the people who failed to dress up? I’m really not sure.
What I do know is that everyone collectively agreed that ‘today’ would be Halloween, even though the occasion was still a few days away.
I don’t do that.
Depression Doesn’t Work to a Schedule
Today, for example, it is currently Thursday morning at about 6am as I’m writing this. By the time it goes up and live on the site, it might be Tuesday.
My husband takes the time to read through and edit all my posts, and at this point, he’s probably scratching his head.
It’s not Thursday today, am I supposed to change it to Tuesday? The reader will be reading this on a Tuesday and be so confused.
He normally does, by the way. He’ll change the dates so that it makes sense to the reader.
In a way, it’s a good thing he does.
If today was Halloween, I’d be talking about my thoughts on Halloween, but then it wouldn’t go live until maybe the next week and it’s past the moment.
That’s exactly how I feel.
First, I can’t pretend that today is a day that it is not. Sure it might be easier if I was in the Ellen DeGeneres audience, but in my regular day? Nope.
I’ve always been the person who shares her feelings as she has them. This is both good and bad.
It’s good because I don’t hide who I am.
You won’t question how I’m feeling today, because you’ll know. You’ll never hear me say, ‘if you don’t know, well then I’m not going to tell you’.
It’s bad because I over share. I don’t really have any understanding of what’s ‘the right amount’ of information to give someone else.
This is also what causes my ‘social anxiety’, which I’ll write about in a future post.
Second, I don’t feel relevant.
Sure, me writing about today when you’re not going to read it for a few days might not be so bad.
But if today was in fact Halloween, and the post goes live on November 5th, it’s past the moment.
You’re already thinking about the next big holiday. I’ll be a bit vague here because I know there is a very big difference between what comes after Halloween depending on where in the world you are.
*Note: It’s Guy Fawkes Day, obviously.*
In Reality, We’re Never “Over It”
There is nothing you can do for me and my depression if you’re only learning about my down day five days after I’ve had it. I can deal with that.
What I can’t deal with is the feeling that you’re over it.
This is how it feels for me every single day.
Here I am living for today, struggling to get through today, and the rest of the world has already done this five days ago.
Every day I struggle to keep up.
What I want you to take away from this is just that. We don’t feel relevant.
I’m not saying we aren’t relevant, I’m just saying our minds and our hearts are always conflicting.
What we feel is often very different from what our minds are telling us to feel. We know what is logical, but we also know what is real.
Logically I’m here. In reality, I feel like I’ve been left behind…